rachaelizabeth

recognizing and refusing guilt
is more important than learning good things if those good things are clothed in guilt. guilt ruins it,
and guilt ruins me

everyone has their own story
what is mine
and what if only god and i read mine
is that enough?

does everyone desire to be famous?
to be discovered, to be special, to be wanted, to be celebrated, to have our talent appreciated, to be paid (which leads to comforts)

i keep remembering this interview with demi moore and thinking how sad it is…

DM: I used to think that what scared me was the idea of being abandoned until someone said to me, “Only children can be abandoned. Adults can’t be abandoned because we have a choice. Children don’t have a choice.” So I started to rethink. “Okay, it’s not that. What’s the underlying thread that really scares me?” I think what scares me is not having the courage to reach my full potential.
ADC: Is that really it for you?
DM: Well, what I said is not having the courage to really reach my fullest potential, which means that I would allow fear, insecurity, and doubt to rule me and that I would ask for only a little of what is actually there for me. It would mean that I would be settling.
ADC: Yes, right.
DM: And so for me, it’s not just about reaching my potential in terms of my career. It goes more to the idea of being whole, of loving oneself. And I think there is no way to reach your fullest potential if you don’t really find the love of yourself. If I were to answer it just kind of bold-faced, I would say what scares me is that I’m going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I’m really not lovable, that I’m not worthy of being loved. That there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.
ADC: That you are defective.
DM: And that I wasn’t wanted here in the first place…

…that she’s in the latter part of her life, and she still hates herself (boiling it all down). she’s known for her beauty and youth, she’s famous, has money…and yet to herself, she’s probably just the same demi moore that she was before she was famous. undiscovered, unknown, un-special, and unloved in her heart.

i thought that having “my person” (aka mark) would solve some of these problems for me. and not really in the shallow way that that makes you think of, that girls want guys to be their everything and fix everything, etc. i mean it in the way that i’d actually have someone in my life, who’s mine, who tells me these things and believes these things. because before him, i didn’t. i didn’t have the dad (or mom) to say those things. my core doesn’t know it. i always thought about the fact that they say people need like 7 hugs a day, physically and emotionally. and i felt sad for myself, that i get MAYBE one a week or a month? that must be damaging something, i thought.

but mark is here now and he’s wonderful. i now get at least 7 hugs a day and he does tell me all the things i need to hear. and i do take them in. but there’s a basement in my heart that he can’t get to. and the key to the basement is belief. yes he comforts me and yes i can hope what he says about me is true. but when you get right down to the floor, my heart is as hard and cold as concrete and i don’t think i accept it. i can’t. and i think this is where god comes in. only he has the key to get me to believe. and only he can walk down those stairs and show me that at my core, as i am, that i am lovable.

and i think that that’s my story. god is reading it. i need to read it too. (demi moore needs to read hers.) even if i was famous and had the world telling me i’m great and worth something, i wouldn’t believe them. probably my need to please and my paranoia about that would increase. i’d get even more insecure. it could all fall away at any point. but god, is in the basement. there’s nothing that can fall away at the bottom. even if the house crumbled, the basement stays.

so i think our story is not about going out into the world and shining, but it’s going into our basements, each of us, and finding that we are alive there, bloody and hurting (ezekial 16) and in need of the warmest and thickest love there could be. and that that love is indeed there. because after that, no matter how big or chaotic our house gets, our core, our basement, is for sure. it’s steady. we’re built upon the solid rock…

this is a huge job to do. how much of a lifetime does this take? by the time i’m demi moore’s age, i really hope i don’t hate myself anymore. that would be success to me. and to pass that on to my daughters somehow. i wouldn’t want to be demi moore’s daughters. yes, she’s being honest, which is something, but her priorities put pressure on them. i want my priorities to be my heart, where my god is, where i’m accepted. and then i live out of that. so i’m not out in the world, trying to manufacture confidence, trying to find hints that maybe i measure ok amoung people. “i’m not the greatest, but i’m not the worst”…in my own basement, there’s just me. no one else to compare myself to. and it’s not like i’m alone there. talking myself into delusion. i’m there with god – the freaking god of the entire universe who made everything and knows everything and made me and knows me. if he says this is so, who can argue? the world can’t. and even i can’t.

i like that the gospel is all about god coming for the people that it wasn’t expected he’d come for and him doing the job that wasn’t expected. and that all points to me. i’m the person that needs him. if the gospel is for everyone, then that includes me. and if god isn’t complete love, then i think the gospel falls apart. all my fears become true. but if he is love, and that includes me, then my basement becoming warm and full of light and an actual home is a possibility! and that’s what my mission in life is. i don’t have any other talents to capitalize on; i don’t have other ambitions. if the world never knows me, the god of the world does. his eyes are right on me as he holds the world together. i’m not lost to him. he is the god who sees me (gen 16) when i am rejected and driven out and alone.

king david was in his basement before he was king. and i think he lived from that place when he was king. not that it wasn’t messy, but it was different than it would’ve been, i think. and he didn’t covet being king in the time he had to wait to actually be king but had already been annointed to be so. he was restful and peaceful inside. he didn’t long for the recognition of the world…he just wanted god’s will, even while things were shaky, while king saul was trying to kill him. david was confident. he heard god and his heart was soft. i want to be like that…no matter what’s going on up in my house.

i always think of king david, before he was king. he was just a shepherd boy. alone with stupid sheep in a dangerous place. sometimes i picture myself there, all alone in the middle of the night. no one’s seeing me, no one’s making sure i’m ok and haven’t been eaten by a lion. i don’t even have a blanket. i lie in the grass on a hill and i look up at all the stars and that’s how i picture god as the god who sees me. i’m utterly alone and you see me. and you’re keeping me safe right now. even if there’s danger lurking in the woods right now, i’m safe. even if i’m all alone, i’m loved. with the most love there is. not with a pseudo love or an in-the-meantime-love. this is love, right here, fully.

when i’m in this picture, i close my eyes under the stars and i breathe it in and let myself feel safe. there’s no other safety anywhere, in this life or beyond it. because when i picture heaven, i picture waking up to this. me and god. i know there will be more to it with all the other people there. but initially, i picture that homecoming. and what i think my life should be about is getting myself accustomed to whatever that will feel like – being fully with him. so that when i am actually there, it’s the least amount of shock that it can be. that the level of peace i jump to isn’t that far, because i’m already at peace. i want to live a life resting in peace. and god is the only place.

i hope you find that, demi moore.

so as far as believing being the key to opening the door to the basement…i think that everytime we bypass fear – whatever it may be that keeps us locked up and god out (because the abscense of fear is love so where there is fear, there’s no love and god needs to come there), and take a step towards knowing who god really is rather than the monster we fear him to be in our hearts (someone who rejects us or is demanding and not compassionate or understanding), or we take a step towards healing some of our wounds (through many avenues), we are acting in faith which means we are giving him another key of belief and saying to him, you can come in here and let your love heal this dingy, basement room. (he’s bringing salvation to another part of your heart. salvation isn’t once, remember?)

so for me, i know i’m discovering many fears in my heart. or things i just struggle with (where fear is the core, i think.) and i’m finding myself asleep and stuck. and not really wanting to move. wanting to believe is a step before believing. when i sense my fear, i wince and walk away so i don’t have to feel it. i could be learning more about who god is or asking him for these things, but instead i want to be numb. part of me doesn’t want to grow. so i’ve been watching tv and spacing out. but thankfully, i’m growing sick of it. i’m getting overwhelmed at my struggles. i can’t hide too long. they seem to be multiplying.

so this is what counseling is going to be for me, that i’m starting tomorrow. i can’t seem to want to wake myself up. so i’m hoping that while i’m there, i’ll hear my deeper self and want to wake up for her. i’ll feel god’s compassion for me and i’ll let myself feel it for me too. i’ll rediscover that i’m worth fighting for. and then i’ll fight. i know i’m going to fight. i just need this step first. and i’m so excited and thankful.

this will be another place in the journey of my story. this is my pilgrim’s progress. i think we each have the same mission should we choose to accept it. hunger and thirst are blessings to get us to accept it. i’m glad demi moore is still hungry. she just hasn’t found what she’s looking for. jesus, knock on her heart, hard enough so she feels it thru the basement floor. and keep knocking on mine. you know i’ll need it.

<3

i’m starting to see a counselor tomorrow and i’m very excited about it…

i think i need help processing my life: past, current, and future. a lot has happened. even in just the past year.

and i’d like to just talk. and get some feedback. be asked questions that make me think and put things together in ways i hadn’t thought of.

and i’d like help taking steps towards things i need and want. strategies and goals…even minute.

and i’d like some validation. not that i never get any. but i’ve seen counselors before and they do this in a good and different and core way. because i think i’m hard on myself in my thought life and it’s relieving to hear that i can let up a little bit, and let the person inside me, that i’m hard on, cry a little…breathe a little…i need that. she needs that.

i’d like to open up the pressure valve on my guilt tank too. guilt and shame suck.

i’ve also been asleep and i’d like to wake up.

i’m so excited and ready. why did i not think of this before? and insurance covers it!

:)

“what is that to you? you follow me”

i had another thought that supports my last post (or a recent post):

when god had the israelites trampling around the desert, it wasn’t (just?) to punish them, it showed what his heart was like, what mattered to him…so what was more important to him than them getting where he wanted them to go, the glorious place he made for them, was that they know him and trust him and have their hearts right with him…and probably in the meantime, they learned to walk with him.

he’s patient with me. which is like, duh, 1 cor 13 says that…but this thought made that fact a little more alive to me. it’s not about me getting all healed up, even though that’s the final resting place…it isn’t about me having a glorious life with glorious surroundings, even though that’s the final destination…it’s about now, it’s about me and him, it’s about letting him help me walk and see him and see myself the way he sees me. it’s a living, breathing relationship. and this is so elementary, but i’m still trying to get it. he has done so much. he has rescued me. he has parted waters for me. he has defeated my enemies. but still i need him to thwart me and thwart my path so that i have him. and it makes me think that honey from the desert must be sweeter than from a land flowing with it.

yes, i want both kinds.

you break my leg so you can be my crutch and I lean on you

my heart asks god:

am I still special even though the others don’t think so?

I think I’ve given up on healing. I used to employ the things I’ve learned. I used “to go there” when something came up. it worked. or so I thought until I think, at some point along the way, I became tired and daunted by the fact that there. was. still. so. much. more. to. go. or deeper to go.

I’ve picked up “waking the dead” again and I’m just randomly re-reading different parts. this part stood out to me:

“it’s true, (rachael). you know you are very hard on your heart. you are not merciful with those broken places within you.”

which touches on things I’ve written here before.

since giving up on healing, which I just realized I think I’ve done, I’ve grown dull and more tired and I don’t “see” things anymore. I hear Jesus beckoning me less. because that’s what he used to beckon me to and open my eyes to. so seeing my brokenness and needing him = knowing him. which is a big biblical theme, I remember.

time to go back. time to review. time to reawaken. time to move forward. holding hands with my broken heart. tenderly. finding Jesus together.

sigh.

thankful.

this is a very good book. short little encouragements and truths that go down easy