tonight i saw the video with the demonstration of a theophostic session, and here are just some of my random thoughts/wonderings.
have i made friends with darkness because of some kind of benefit i get? some things have become part of my identity. am i willing to give it up and be different? might be hard even though it’s good.
more to come later, i’m too tired right now.
i feel loss over my childhood and a chance to have a “daddy.” i have felt it physically before. a few years ago, i had this period of about a week, where i looked at baby/childhood pictures every night and just cried and wept over my loss and the fact that i can *never* go back there – no matter what. i felt it in my gut and chest and throat. even now, i live with a sense of the past being sad and the future being bright. the future is supposed to make up for the past. someday. it never feels like it could be today. it’s the future. maybe that’s a lie caues i’ll never experience it. i’ll always be looking to the future. to think that the past could just be the past and not have those feelings attached. the loss and longing. i don’t even know where i am wounded, but i know i have those lenses on that filter everything i do and think and perceive. i’m no one special. don’t look at me. look at everyone else. they have something attractive. and even if i do, it just doesn’t matter cause it’s mine and anything that’s mine takes on my non-specialness. it becomes bland and unnoticed. i have hope but no faith. are my dreams really gonna come true? i can *only* hope. cause why would it work out for me. who’s gonna look at me favorably and work for me cause i am a good cause to put effort into….god’s probably not giving me the man i so dream of b/c (and this is my logic, not feelings) i will have these expectations put on him. i’ll not believe his love for me or the way he looks at me. i’ll exhaust him at my unbelief. and look to him to heal me, but he can’t. i don’t want to do that to him. i want to be healthy and bless him. not be a burden. oh, i hope that’s not so way far off in the future. i want healing now. but i can’t imagine it. *it truly feels too good to be true.* i don’t expect it to happen. i’ll be utterly surprised.
who can understand my insides? the depths of wounds i walk around with daily, carrying. i have sadness in my eyes all the time. if not sadness, then striving and anxiousness and restlessness. i want so much to just be. does anyone have that for me. will anyone offer it to me? if someone is able, do they care to use their power on me? i’ve heard this is what jesus came and died for. cause i have no hope. so, he came to be the one to do the job. so, i have cognitive hope. but do i believe? i don’t know.
my chest is tight right now. i feel frustrated. i think of theophostics and the “process” and i just feel overwhelmed and frustrated b/c it feels like work. i don’t know how to listen. i don’t know if i know what he sounds like. i don’t want to be surprised either, for some reason. i don’t want to be startled. is listening paying attention to whatever pops in my head? do i need to consider the possibilities of what he might be saying to me? or do i just need to be blank and not think and wait for him to come? i feel like i need to be asleep and have someone there praying for me and then god would just come and invade my thoughts. my thoughts don’t shut off. i don’t know how to listen. it’s so vague and ambiguous to me. how can i be expected to do something i don’t know how to do or have any control over? (am i hitting something right here?) when have i felt like i was expected to be able to do something that i shouldn’t have been expected to do? what pops in my head is when my dad left and everything changed. teachers always remarked that i was very mature. and i have felt like i grew up faster than kids are supposed to. did i put that on myself. like i was supposed to be ok? and not have problems? was i allowed to be immature cause i was immature? how can a baby be expected to do chores and talk and take care of itself? i know that is ridiculous logically, but…. i don’t even know if this is really how i felt back then. i don’t know…i feel frustrated – like i can’t be understood. it’s all a dark mystery. there’s dark caverns. if light shines there, it’ll hurt. it’s so dark and thick. “lord, i beckon you right now; i don’t even know for what, but i do. are you there? do you see? will you reveal yourself to me even if a part of me is scared of you showing up?” my chest is still tight. and my throat is too. right now isn’t the time for this. my mom is here and might come out and i don’t want to cryagain and go into a lengthy thing. it all feels like work and striving. i hate the thought of “pressing into” your presence. why can’t i just be there? why do i have to cry? i don’t want to have to be strong. i know the verses that say to embrace weaknesses, but i feel like you expect me to be strong and seek you with all my heart and soul and might and i just don’t have any might. (my eyes are flooding). this feels honest and good. but will it amount to any good? i want things to be different. i want healing? and i honestly don’t want healing (like pastor david said or at least how i took it) just so i can be more like you, more “christ-like.” that’s bull to me. i am broken and hurting. i can’t think about that. that feels like i have to work up to this spiritual and pure and righteous place first and then i can be healed. like it’s “all for your glory.” i don’t like that either. i don’t like singing, “you’re holy.” what does that mean. i need down-to-earth, raw, relational, makes sense, right where i’m at stuff. how can i be somewhere that i am not? i feel like a lot is required of me. read your bible. love the word. psalm 119? i hate it. maybe not as much as i did, but still. find the truth? hold onto it? meditate on it? change your thinking? is this in my power? it doesn’t feel like it, and that’s why i don’t do it. me holding on doesn’t last. my grip soon lessens. i can’t do it. i don’t want to. i fail. it’s that simple and basic. i fail. why try? if it’s inevitable? i can see that i am afraid of failure. i feel afraid of success too. i want to be praised but i am afraid of it too. i want to be noticed as special, yet i hide from it and hope no one is looking at me. why these dichotomies? again, can i be understood? and here, i feel the pressure, to not think so highly of myself – like i am so big that i could never be figured out, even by god himself. that just makes me mad. how can i let god be god if i don’t know him. how can i trust someone that i don’t trust since i’ve never had an experience that has allowed me to build trust. i have some hope. i don’t want to just be told to believe blindly and shut up. i don’t want to just be told that i am prideful. how can i even think like that when i know i am so messed up and broken. *i have no good thing in me.* i guess that verse is alive to me. isn’t god more real than that? more on our level. can’t he handle it, even if it is pride? pride feels like a cop-out sometimes. i don’t know. again, i just don’t know.
i feel like i could go on forever. i guess i’ll have to read this and continue later. please bring me back here, god, cause in the back of my mind, and after reading the theophostic stuff, i am hoping that this is you leading me into the darkness.
will i be free to dance someday? be free to be me? even goofy? even beautiful? even take someone’s breath away? i hope so.
“an absence of good things”/”i have been overlooked”/pure and simple
pg. 82:
“what i heard (the truth god has spoken) is not true”
“God would never talk to me.”
“i am too_______________(or not enough) to be loved by God.”
he’s not going to come thru. he doesn’t have something for me in this moment. he’s not aware or is and doesn’t care enough.
i don’t think god hears or sees or is interested or is moved with feelings towards me. he’s indifferent. i’m not anything special anyway. this lie needs to be taken away before i can get anywhere. if i don’t believe i can hear him, then how will i be able to get his truth?
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