rachaelizabeth

there’s certain songs i used to listen to and they would match how i felt so much and they’d be crying out to god and i’d feel like i couldn’t imagine those prayers being answered…especially the jars of clay song that goes, “i, i got a question. i got a question. where are you?” i remember sitting in my car once just feeling so lost in my sadness and nothingness and listening to this and not feeling god answer me in that moment. there was a brick wall. he wasn’t even on the other side of it. nothing. but now, i know he heard me. i just had to hold on. and now that song barely applies to me, where i am right now. perhaps someday i’ll hit another level where i won’t know so readily that god is there and that song will come alive again. but i’m glad it’s my testimony that i don’t need that song anymore right now.

and these feelings are gone…these prayers are answered…it has happened….and it feels normal…it is a miracle but it doesn’t even feel like one because it’s in my own skin. who would have thought. this jesus thing really works. and it’ll only get better. i’ll only get to know him better.

“you are our healer, and you know what’s broken, and we’re not a mystery to you.”

it wasn’t easy. it hurt alot. but i wouldn’t trade it for anything. perhaps that’s what giving birth is like. or the opening of a flower bud. i don’t know.

so, thank you, jesus. you’ve been more than i have known to ask. when i asked for even three layers deep of healing, you were already moving in way underneath the surface, underneath all the layers, to bring about the deep, permanent change that was needed. i didn’t know it was happening at the time. i couldn’t really feel what you were doing. sometimes i could, but most of the time, i had to keep hoping. you came in undetected. and i doubted and complained. but you came anyway. you are the good father who knows what i need before i even ask…i didn’t know what to ask. but you heard my groanings and my sighs.

and now i feel deeply loved.

that is so much. and means so much.

you are good. i have tasted and seen. i am blessed because i get to trust in you. you have given yourself to me as a gift to be trusted in. what or who would i have without you? no one and nothing.

whom have i but you?
though my colored dawn may turn to shades of gray
though the questions asked may never be resolved

i love knowing you.
for eternity i get to keep knowing you more and more.
that sounds like heaven.

it’s you and me. me and you.
please keep on forever digging into me.
i want the best that you have for me.
i want to be the best for you.
but i know that i am worth so much to you, then and now, more broken or less broken, less healed or more healed.

i will be still and know that you are god.

and you are mine.

and i am yours.

:)