rachaelizabeth

i’m trying to change in life. trying to be more thankful. and to be. be here now. where i am. not always reaching for the future. hoping for more. wanting more. anxious to see how things’ll turn out. i need to stop that and change it now or else i’ll always have a reason to not be ok where i am.

i’ve always hated that i felt like i was waiting. why do i have to wait? and it’s true that i am. but a large part of it is that i make myself wait by always wanting more. i have to wait for it. if i can just rather be ok, i won’t feel the waiting. i can enjoy what i have now. because what i have now is so great.

yes, i was waiting so long for mark. but now he’s here and i need to enjoy so much what that means. because that means so much. and not jump to wanting to marry him, and then want to have babies, and then want to see how they’ll turn out and be worried about them all the time.

i need to take things as gifts and be ok now. enjoy them, not demanding more.

so yes i can’t wait until wed when i get to see mark again, but i’m thankful for what we had yesterday. we had a great time together all day. especially sitting in portland. me and him are so great together, it’s crazy. the only thing “wrong” for us, is that he lives two hours away right now, but that can and will be fixed at some point. and it’s not like i don’t get to see him.

so i’m so thankful for him. he’s so great. that’s an understatement. i waited and prayed for him for so long. and he couldn’t be more perfect for me. and he’s crazy about me. and he tells me how he feels all the time. and i need that.

i’m so glad i have him. what if i didn’t. he’s so good and normal to me and fitting, that i almost can’t imagine not having him. i wish i could though so i’d feel more thankful. b/c it was never guaranteed that i would find him. but we did make it to each other. SIGH. baby, i’ve been waiting for you SO long. and that’s the biggest thing ever that i’ve wanted, was him. and now that i have him, everything else is just added bonuses. or so i want them to be. if we have to delay a wedding for whatever reasons or if we never get kids, still i have him. or if he died, i still had him. and i want to enjoy that now. i want to be thankful now. not when i have to look back. hopefully i never will have to.

i love him and i am thankful for him.

 ___________

“those three words
 are said too much
 they’re not enough”

“one of us will die inside these arms.
 eyes wide open
 naked as we came
 one will spread our
 ashes round the yard”

“be here now
 here now
 here now”

officially, no one can read this right now. i only have the password. i kinda need that. i feel lost a little. i don’t know where i am. i only know that i want to be with mark all the time. but i can’t be. so that poses problems. at least in my heart. or head. or wherever. i need to read. i need my perspectives back. the one that says that every thing in my life is under god’s supervision and it’s in his plan. that he uses every situation to mold me. that it’s all an opportunity, no matter how hard and unpleasant, for growth or healing or just material for trusting in him.

i feel…what’s the word?…when you question what life is all about? existentialism. i just remembered that eternal life is to know god. that’s the point. that’s relieving. i was thinking that a little bit, but the fact that that’s a verse helps out a lot. nothing else matters. everything in life is just material for knowing and trusting him better. it’s all very much secondary. so why do i get bent out of shape when life isn’t going my way? it’s not supposed to. it’s supposed to just drive me to god. i need to hold on less to the details and hold onto him more.

my life is in his hands. he will make sure i know him.

i have alot more thoughts but this will do for now. i’ve found some peace and clarity. mmm.