rachaelizabeth

i’ve had this picture in my head of when my dad left
and i don’t know where it came from because i don’t think it’s accurate
like i don’t think it actually happened
but maybe it did another time and i remembered it wrong
or maybe it was a dream
or maybe i made it up to gather together what the whole experience seemed like

my dad is standing outside
looking thru the window
about to walk away
poised to leave
neither of us are close to the window we are both looking thru
my mom is sort of there
but i’m sort of alone
he glances at me as he turns
barely no recognition in his eyes
he doesn’t realize he’s leaving his little girl
or he doesn’t care?
it’s a defining move
even though it happens so easily and quickly
and then he’s gone
out of sight thru the window

that memory became new last night
when jesus let me know he was there
stooped down behind me
with his hand on my chest
holding me close
whispering in my ear
it’s okay, let him go.

and then thoughts came:
that man is broken, let him go, he’ll find his way
i’m here
i’ve always been here
i have a plan
it’s all going to be okay
it’ll be a long road
but i’m here
i’m with you
you have me
and i love you

you weren’t of no consequence when he left your mother.
you felt invisible, he didn’t know he was leaving you too.
but you were there and i saw you being left.
i am here noticing your heart wonder what’s going on and what it all means.
i am looking into your eyes.
seeing you.
he’ll never know what’s going on in you,
in your heart.
but i know. i see it. and i am here for you.
you aren’t alone.

and this all came with this jason upton song playing,
the words washing over my heart:
you’re not alone…
i never leave you…
like a father sings over his daughter
before she goes to sleep at night
i sing over you
declare over you
the kingdom of god
it’s over you, it’s over you
did you know, i don’t call you what man calls you
but i whisper who you are
it’s a voice in the wind
it’s a voice in the middle of the night
when you’re all alone
i whisper who you are
i whisper your name

don’t be afraid, baby don’t you cry
daddy’s here, it’ll be alright
you’re not alone, you’re not alone
look beyond the window there
to the sky above, to the open air
(look beyond the circumstances)
look beyond what you can see
close your eyes, and just believe

breaking off rejection
with the spirit of adoption
you’re not alone
i never leave you, i never leave you!

you do not have to compete for your father’s affection
his eyes his are on you

and with each of these words and the ways he sings them
i was comforted and washed and could see him talking to me in the picture
i’ve listened to this song a thousand times and always love it
but this time, to have to it sung to me in this memory was something else,
something way personal…

each of the lines addresses something for me too,
things i’ve struggled with.
they comfort so many things.

and now i just want to love the man who had to go.
i see him differently now.

sigh.

love.

i don’t think many bloggers are making it everyday in november so whatever, i didn’t think i really would. that, and, no one reads this :P

nothing surfacey going on really in my life…just spiritual and emotional stuff…

tomorrow is officially mark and i’s one year anniversary of officially being together. yesterday was our first kiss anniversary and a few weeks ago was our first meeting anniversary. we are meeting up in portsmouth tomorrow like we usually do on wednesdays so that’s good that it falls on the same day :) i don’t know what we’ll do…probably just the norm of reading captivating at starbucks, walking around downtown, and eating somewhere…i’m sure we’ll go to “our spot” where we used to go and park and reminisce :)

i’m diving in more into reading and learning and growing and the dad stuff. i got some books on healing from dad wounds and it’s really good though the next chapter will be a doozy and cry fest and my eyes get so puffy that i’m thinking i should wait until a free friday night to let it all out…the grieving…

that’s all for now.

i don’t know what to talk about today…

i’m almost 27! in less than a month. that’s getting a little too close to “old” for my comfort. but whatever, life is but a breath and then it’s over and eternity will start and never end :)

i would like 2 boys and 1 girl. or 3 boys and 1 girl. or 2 boys and 2 girls, please (God) :)

i really have nothing to say

i have this hat and really like it. i usually can’t stand hats. sometimes this one is itchy but it goes away

mark is coming over today and i am happy about that. we were supposed to see each other yesterday but plans changed. it caused a little something that we had to talk thru but i love it once we do. it feels like we made it thru something important even though the issues are pretty small. we are thorough and committed to talking out everything and i like that. i think we will have a good future together, weathering small and large storms together well :)

i’m hoping a book was delivered today that will help me work thru some of my emotional baggage :P

did i say before that mark is going to texas from this sat til next sat. not thrilled about it but it brings up alot of stuff that i need to work on that i am working on so that part is good. god’s continually stretching and changing and growing me. growing pains hurt but the growth feels good and right, so i’ll embrace it :)

tuesday nights i’m doing a group on captivating with two of my best friends and it’s going really well and i’m happy and excited for us :)

growth all around! cheers!

i’m going thru some stuff…trying to get rid of some emotional baggage…

i had the thought recently (and i haven’t pondered it long enough to have it be more than just a thought) that even though i’m going thru kind of a “down” time, it doesn’t mean i need to always be depressed. my face doesn’t need to be sullen and my back hunched and my eye brows worried. i’m allowed to still breathe and enjoy and be. i’m allowed to rejoice. which makes me think of the many bible verses that tell us to rejoice. i’ve never really liked those commanding sounding verses. but now, from this perspective, i like them a little bit more. maybe it’s not a command. maybe it’s an allowance. i’m allowed to rejoice, despite…anything and everything. because, still, god says that “all is well and will be well” and he’s “fighting for me and will come thru for me.” he covers all my open areas that are yet undealt with. and he still covers the ones that he’s presently uncovering in order to heal them up.

stress hurts the body.  trusting settles you down and quiets you. it’s good for you. god is good for you. i mean, me. i’m trying to tell myself to rejoice.

“don’t stress, don’t stress, don’t stress,
 girl, you deserve nothing but the best”

i see that lots of bloggers are going to try to blog everyday for the month of november and that alot of them haven’t accomplished this so it makes me feel ok that i’m only thinking of attempting it and i already missed the first day. probably two weeks from now, after today, i’ll remember that i even wanted to do this :/

so what do i want to write about?

i’m actually feeling really good and encouraged about the whole waiting for marriage thing. our foundation is going to be so strong and there’s much to cover! i don’t feel jealous anymore of people who meet and marry within three months like i wanted to. also, i’m excited to see what god’s gonna do and what pieces of the puzzle will look like and when he’ll reveal and move them :) that’s really exciting to me :)

meeting with deb and ant continues to be so good :) ahh, i’m so blessed and excited! even though i have a lot of inner work to do. dad issues are coming up strong again and it’s scary to know i have to deal with them yet again but i’m encouaged so we’ll see :)

i ordered five books today. 3 on healing the dad stuff and 2 relationship/premarital like ones. i love books :)

that’s enough for today i guess. i gotta do some reading/soul searching. at work… i have a good job for that :)