rachaelizabeth

Fling wide the door to my soul, open up the door to my heart…have your way

my grandmother passed peacefully this morning

mark got the job!
i kinda thought he would…it was sounding promising and it felt like it *had* to be time now so i’m glad god felt the same way :P
i found out last night, after i sent a text to this blog (my previous post)
so yeh, the tide is turning, the season is changing….slowly…
this is a big needed step and i’m thankful
but already looking ahead to the next ten steps…
i can’t help it.
sometimes i hate hope. it hurts.
but it’s just another exercise in patience and thankfulness and being where you are
i feel *so* in want of a change in life though
i feel like i’m where the seasons are right now…
it’s not really winter, it’s not really spring
an in between time that begs to be defined, one or the other
but if you want the better one, you have to go thru this one…
so i’ll do it…what else am i going to do anyway?

sometimes i want to give up…
i can see how couples just give up…
not that i’ve ever been at that point…
but when conversations just aren’t going smoothly and when both sides are valid but neither can sway
what do you do?
i’ve felt the temptation to give up…
not that i would…not that i’d even know what that looks like…i’d take it back ten seconds later…
and the relationship is worth more to me than any present situation
and to quit would say that it’s not
or that he’s not.
and that’s not true…

it’s just hard sometimes…
it feels like a fire you can’t jump out of.
i understand why communication is so key.
staying and talking thru what you need to even if you’re now only going to get 4-5 hours of sleep…

but it’s all good practice, right? cause i hear marriage aint so easy
this must be a taste of it…
but i can’t see going to bed angry
i won’t sleep anyway
i’m glad mark is the same way
i’m glad he’s the way he is in a lot of things…
i think he has the skills to make a marriage work.
i hope i do too…

Lord, let the tide turn, let the season change

Just a lil’ update for ya’ about the job… Nancy (The headhunter) called me today… I guess the guys up there really liked me, thought I was great, they loved all the flash work and multimedia stuff I had done… though because I’m a flash guy, I don’t have a very large “Graphic Design” portfolio, so that area may be a little weak… but they want me to meet with their designer and if that goes well, have me work closer with him while I’m there to help me along… they have me coming in Thursday morning at 9 to meet the guy… so I don’t know if this is technically a second interview or if it’s more Interview 1 part 2 because I wasn’t able to meet their designer yesterday (he was out sick)…

Anyway, don’t get your hopes up or anything though, cause it still seems up in the air, but kind of promising:)

- mark sent me

________

the book i’m reading about prayers being delayed is really helping me.
makes me giddy even? that ought not to be, but it helps me know i’m right where god wants me and he must have a reason…hopefully i’m getting better at turning back to him quicker with each episode of this (when i freak out)…and hopefully at some point, i’ll have enough truth in me that it’s readily there and i don’t even need to go to that place (of freaking out), you know?
 
i’m doing better.
 
i’m emotional about my dad and grandmother because she is dying. cried with him on the phone yesterday. was really good even though i was scared to do it. i think this might be the something i’ve been looking for to break open our emotional bond (even just a little bit) that’ll help me when my wedding comes. he told me that he loved me and i said it back and we both cried. i know that’s something. sigh.
 
god is doing stuff. i’m hopeful.
 
mark’s job sounds hopeful too, still praying it works out. the interview went well and now we are waiting to hear back about their final decision…

- i wrote to deb, my mentor lady friend

______

this is my purse. in a window. contemplating life.

mark’s interview is right now. i’m praying (event though i’m writing this :)

i assume my grandmother has not passed since i haven’t heard anything. i’m mentally and prayerfully preparing for a very emotional time ahead with my family. my dad’s side. that’s a loaded gun.

do you know how to distinquish between:

• your personality: which you need to discover and let shine and embrace
• your character: which you need to sharpen and hone and strive toward integrity (if you care)
• your emotional being and your spirituality: which you need to work on your fears and the things that lock you up and seek freedom and purity through relationship with your heavenly father

some things that we think are part of our personality are not and they need to be changed.
this is all part of us needing to know ourselves and experiencing the amazing benefits of that.
the people we are in relationship with will benefit from this also. this is one of our foundational tasks as humans on this earth.

i had a little time this weekend where i felt like i was in a state of ecstasy: peace, joy, sunshine, warmth, positivity, love, shimmering water, exercise, friendship, wind in my hair, conversation, gift shops, hope. sigh :)

my friend’s puppy is helping me get over my issues with dogs. my dad used to have a dog that was always dirty and got everything else dirty. i felt like i needed a shower after visiting him. my face would itch. my hands felt disgusting – even when i didn’t even touch the dog. so yeh, i’ve had issues with dogs and not wanting to touch them. but this puppy is rachael-friendly, i guess, for the most part. i still want to wash my hands after touching it, but that’s ok…and i actually let my friend’s other dog in my lap the other night. that’s a first. hopefully this is me on my road to liking dogs in actuality rather than just technically..because i do really like them. and mark really wants one someday and i want him to have one :) and for our kids. i grew up with a dog that i loved – katie :)

a joke from this weekend:
him: i worked on your computer and it took me so long
her: wow, that’s a really long time
:)

the picture is my three good friends that i spent the weekend with in beautiful damariscotta, maine where i hope to go back to many more times, i loved it :)

my grandmother is dying and it brings up a lot of things

please pray

But just because you cannot imagine something does not mean that a). it will not come to pass or b). it will not be okay.

______________

hope and pray but don’t demand
keep your heart unsticky
don’t give up but let go
hold the tension
keep altering until you succeed
don’t hide your bitterness yet remain soft
apply the light
let what can be shaken be shaked
the shifting sand will sift
a stronger foundation will emerge
hold on, keep waiting
there’s something bigger going on
something deeper happening
trust.

______________

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you’ve always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can’t touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you’re gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you’re feeling more and more frustrated
And you’re getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You’re confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

When you can’t wait any longer
But there’s no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It’s your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

jordin sparks “one step at a time”

___________

trusting god can really suck sometimes.

my hands are really empty,

my heart is really dirty,

but my only option is to trust him.

and all i wanna do is something else -

put my hands to something,

anything.

even if it makes it worse.

…

but then godly fear gets the best of me,

and i know my only choice is to surrender,

and keep my empty hands open,

towards him,

offering my dirty heart.

but it sucks.

in like a really big way.

like in a i-wanna-smash-something-kinda way

…

no wonder he has me here.

i do not go to the gym or follow a diet but i do do some small things when i feel like i can and i think they add up…

like:

• i climb the stairs several times a day at work
• go for a walk on my break (when it’s warm out)
• exercise my legs when i watch tv (on my bed or the couch)
• try not to eat sugar during the day (like not add it to my coffee, etc)
• try not to eat white bread or pasta or rice (go for the wheat or whole grain)
• get skim lattes with less or no sugar

i definitely have my “i don’t care” times and do whatever i want (mostly when i’m with people or having fun weekends), but i always try to come back to this (during the week when i’m on my own)

if i notice i’ve gained a little bit, i try to take it easy a few days so it doesn’t keep adding up.

i heard someone say once that if you slowly gain 5 pounds a year but never try to take it off, soon it’ll add up and you’ll be at a place you don’t want to be. i’d rather take it off now.

i try to think about the guilt i know i’ll feel immediately after giving into temptation and try to know that it won’t be worth it.

i try to eat less of something knowing that the last bite of it will taste the same no matter how many bites i’ve taken.

i try to let myself get hungry, i’ll be ok if i don’t eat right away.

i recently got two short dvds and i just do little sections of them. 5 minutes should be better than nothing, right? :)

i give in sometimes – sometimes with a five scoop sundae from friendly’s and sometimes with a cookie.

i always want dessert, so i carry around with me 88% DARK chocolate which has very little sugar and is good for me, i hear? the little bit eases my dessert craving but doesn’t taste good enough that i want more than 1 or 2 of the squares.

i know this is different for everyone and more difficult for others, but if you have any little things that you do, i’d like to hear em :)