rachaelizabeth

What i have today is what your will is. I want your will and ill be thankful i can have it now, today.

There are weeds in my heart that need to be pulled. Roots ripped out. Crooked places made straight. Mountains made low. jesus,…

it’s not being in control
it’s just getting there, the hardest part
it’s being sweaty
it’s moving continuously for over an hour
it’s feeling more toned the next day
it’s really using my energy and being tired after
it’s not caring about any of the other people there
being amateur is ok
not hiding my body

__

i feel good
accomplished
excited
right
i feel like i’ve done all i need to do for the day and everything else is just extra…
i haven’t wasted anything
i did the core thing
i feel good
i want to go back

mark loves me
and he does a really good job at it

i remember years ago
saying a really quick but heart felt prayer
but full of doubt
that god would give me someone someday
who loves me well.

(i prayed for him in a myriad of other ways every day, every hour? for years)

i doubted
but i prayed.
and prayed.
and prayed.
and waited.
and hoped.

and i got it.
i can’t believe i got it!

and i wouldn’t trade those years of pain and waiting and doubt.

god was good to me.
i can’t believe it.
but i will and do.

so my grandmother died
and the funeral is sat
and visiting hours fri
and …
i don’t have anything to say
i don’t know what i feel

there’s that
and there’s other stuff
jumbled
under the surface
not much in coherent thoughts or feelings
but i know stress is there

part of me feels fine
and part of me sees the water pulling back from the shore
and i know a wave is coming
friday or saturday
and the energy is making me kind of silent
just watching
getting ready to feel
to be weak
to be soaked
with tears?

there’s nothing black and white about this
it’s all in colors i don’t know the names of

i don’t have to be strong