rachaelizabeth

This is your love, withholding what i want, so i can have what i really want, but forgot…you.

being divinely delayed does not mean being denied.

i’m not perfect, never will be
will never arrive at a perfect place
is just as messed up emotionally as the next guy
is prone to so many things

how many ways am i damaged, let me count the ways…
oh wait, i can’t.
it’s endless.

will i ever naturally trust or will it always be a fight filled with doubts?
is the first step to trusting admitting that you don’t trust and then figuring out why?

imagine the feeling when we finally arrive in heaven…
a billion weights will fall off
our eyes will be opened, we’ll see
we’ll be consumed in love
all doubts washed away
no darkness, just light
no sadness, no disappointment
no waiting for something
just now, all the time in the world
i will be filled with love
not needing anything
no fears of anything
nothing can ever hurt me again

wow, that’s so great…
life is ok, but heaven will be so much better.
i imagine right when i get there i’ll look around and look at myself and say “oh! ok!”
i didn’t need to carry all that stuff…

and then there’s jesus.
who is the light and the love and the freedom and the joy
and who is mine
who’ll be mine
completely
and i’ll be completely at rest in every fiber of my being
knowing him, feeling him
no more barriers
no more lies
no more pushing onward…

resting in peace,
ALIVE!

i need to live for that place now, knowing that all these little details that my worry attaches me to aren’t worth it. they are nothing. they won’t matter. the only thing that matters is getting my now heart as close as possible to that rest that’s available…but without delusion that i’ll ever get perfect in this life and shouldn’t be shocked when i realize another pocket of darkness residing in my own self. i should be grateful for another opportunity to increase the light. that another fear will be replaced with his love. which is the best thing. the only thing.

i don’t know. whatever.

You keep track of all my sorrows. Psalm 56:8

start at the end result of your vision and then work backwards to plan; don’t start from here and now or you’ll get bogged down

desire leads to expectation which leads to demand.

i’d walk away from this if i could

but the this is really my heart and i’m forced to take it with me

weighing a thousand pounds

so hard and stoney

yet alive underneath and feeling the weight

sore and tired, suffocating,

yet having to carry on

what is the remedy?

i know it’s jesus,

but for tonight

i only have tears and hope

not faith and truth in my inward being

it’s been so long that this heart’s been with me

being this same way

i’m weary

but then again

am i to judge?

i can’t see it

only he can

lord, has it changed at all yet?

i feel like a dying caterpillar, rotting in the cocoon.

not becoming beautiful.

not growing my future freedom.

lies.

Worry and mistrust hurts.

Jer 29:11 applies to me, right? Lil ole me? Such elementary truth my heart still doesnt know

it was december 2005. i was looking for a new car and bought the one i currently have, a blue pt cruiser. i bought a 2006 one but was originally looking at the dealership’s last 2005 pt cruiser. it was a good deal cause they wanted to get rid of it, but it was red on the outside and black on the inside, and if you know me, you know those aren’t my colors. i felt a lot of pressure (from myself) to get it and i wrestled with the decision for what seemed like a long time, probably a day or two? part of me, at first, thought it was my only option. i didn’t realize it until i remembered the 2006 one, the new pretty blue one! and i got excited! and realized i could work out getting that one, that i very much DID NOT WANT the red one.

__

it was fall 2008, right before i met my mark, and i met a different guy named mark online. we talked and clicked via email and texting for at least a week and i thought it could turn into something. but then i met him. nothing horrible happened and he wasn’t a bad guy or anything, but i just wasn’t attracted to him in person. our evening was fine but as the night went on, it was settling in me that i wasn’t really interested….being the nice girl that i am and having never had the opportunity to really turn someone down and hating the thought of disappointing someone, knowing how bad it feels, i let him think we were having a great time and i think we both said we would like to hang out again…well, that whole night i was really thinking i should give him another shot, we should go on at least another date (that we were already sort of planning) and i should see if i can change my mind since he’s a good guy, etc…but that night all i dreamt about was the horror of having to see him again. i woke up so stressed out and exhausted. that morning me and him were texting about maybe doing something that night, but i think he could tell i was wary about it and ended up saying, “if you’re not interested, it’s ok” and so i knew i had to take that out, right that moment! or else it’d just get harder to turn him down. so i did. and i FELT IMMEDIATE AND IMMENSE RELIEF!!!!!!!!

in both of these weird life instances, i learned lessons about listening to myself. something i needed very much and refer back to often. i have to give myself permission to follow my gut sometimes. i have to not be so hard on myself, trying to force myself into something that i don’t want. i want to be more kind to myself, honor myself, know myself. i’m grateful for these experiences even though they were hard to navigate thru at the time :)

i see god’s kindness when he sets up experiences like this that he knows we need and will appreciate :)

when we grow, even if there’s pain, we gain wings of freedom that feel so good and wouldn’t give back for anything :)