it was december 2005. i was looking for a new car and bought the one i currently have, a blue pt cruiser. i bought a 2006 one but was originally looking at the dealership’s last 2005 pt cruiser. it was a good deal cause they wanted to get rid of it, but it was red on the outside and black on the inside, and if you know me, you know those aren’t my colors. i felt a lot of pressure (from myself) to get it and i wrestled with the decision for what seemed like a long time, probably a day or two? part of me, at first, thought it was my only option. i didn’t realize it until i remembered the 2006 one, the new pretty blue one! and i got excited! and realized i could work out getting that one, that i very much DID NOT WANT the red one.
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it was fall 2008, right before i met my mark, and i met a different guy named mark online. we talked and clicked via email and texting for at least a week and i thought it could turn into something. but then i met him. nothing horrible happened and he wasn’t a bad guy or anything, but i just wasn’t attracted to him in person. our evening was fine but as the night went on, it was settling in me that i wasn’t really interested….being the nice girl that i am and having never had the opportunity to really turn someone down and hating the thought of disappointing someone, knowing how bad it feels, i let him think we were having a great time and i think we both said we would like to hang out again…well, that whole night i was really thinking i should give him another shot, we should go on at least another date (that we were already sort of planning) and i should see if i can change my mind since he’s a good guy, etc…but that night all i dreamt about was the horror of having to see him again. i woke up so stressed out and exhausted. that morning me and him were texting about maybe doing something that night, but i think he could tell i was wary about it and ended up saying, “if you’re not interested, it’s ok” and so i knew i had to take that out, right that moment! or else it’d just get harder to turn him down. so i did. and i FELT IMMEDIATE AND IMMENSE RELIEF!!!!!!!!
in both of these weird life instances, i learned lessons about listening to myself. something i needed very much and refer back to often. i have to give myself permission to follow my gut sometimes. i have to not be so hard on myself, trying to force myself into something that i don’t want. i want to be more kind to myself, honor myself, know myself. i’m grateful for these experiences even though they were hard to navigate thru at the time :)
i see god’s kindness when he sets up experiences like this that he knows we need and will appreciate :)
when we grow, even if there’s pain, we gain wings of freedom that feel so good and wouldn’t give back for anything :)
Good post Rach….thank you :)
i thought of you, michelle, when i was writing it, given what your dl has been about :P but i didn’t only write it cause of that :P
ok, i wasn’t even sure if you still read my Dl, but it sounded similar. Trusting myself is difficult at times, too. I always need evidence to make up my mind…maybe i should have been a lawyer! lol–jk. But somethings dont have reasons and all we can do is trust ourselves, i struggle.
although it’s a good lesson to learn…and your post was inspiring because those decisions help us in the long run.
yeh, i read dl still :)
i want you to trust yourself, michelle…i know it’s hard for you to hurt people’s feelings and don’t want to, but you gotta respect yourself too :)