rachaelizabeth

I think I’ve given up on healing. I used to employ the things I’ve learned. I used “to go there” when something came up. it worked. or so I thought until I think, at some point along the way, I became tired and daunted by the fact that there. was. still. so. much. more. to. go. or deeper to go.

I’ve picked up “waking the dead” again and I’m just randomly re-reading different parts. this part stood out to me:

“it’s true, (rachael). you know you are very hard on your heart. you are not merciful with those broken places within you.”

which touches on things I’ve written here before.

since giving up on healing, which I just realized I think I’ve done, I’ve grown dull and more tired and I don’t “see” things anymore. I hear Jesus beckoning me less. because that’s what he used to beckon me to and open my eyes to. so seeing my brokenness and needing him = knowing him. which is a big biblical theme, I remember.

time to go back. time to review. time to reawaken. time to move forward. holding hands with my broken heart. tenderly. finding Jesus together.

sigh.

thankful.

this is a very good book. short little encouragements and truths that go down easy

i idealize people. i think so many people are better than me. not in a humble way. in an insecure way.

i can’t imagine having a baby. like, for real, having a full term pregnancy with a real baby, that i get to keep. that’s mine.

if i were talented at something, would it be an outlet or a burden? it’s hard to know that talented people aren’t worthy of love more than me. but a talented person is just that, right? a person with a talent.

enter the worship circle, chair and microphone albums. are. good.

i’m a little bit of a tortured soul/mind. i overthink almost everything.

renew my mind.

i always judge how needy i was in the past and kind of distain that part of my history. or i get embarrassed for myself. which i guess is common…but i think sometimes it holds me back from being passionate about somethings now…or i consider that maybe i wouldn’t have gotten past that particular thing had i not allowed the neediness to come out and be dealt with…and if i don’t now again with whatever is coming up, maybe this won’t be healed…

i don’t know…

i wish it were easy to handle oneself. to always play it cool. to be able to see above the cloud of emotions and think clearly and do the right thing. but that doesn’t always happen. i’ve been overwhelmed by torrential downpours of emotion that i can’t shake – like you can’t not get wet if you’re out in the rain…

i want to have more grace for myself: past, present, and future…is everyone as quick to judge me as me?

i always judge how needy i was in the past and kind of distain that part of my history. or i get embarrassed for myself. which i guess is common…but i think sometimes it holds me back from being passionate about somethings now…or i consider that maybe i wouldn’t have gotten past that particular thing had i not allowed the neediness to come out and be dealt with…and if i don’t now again with whatever is coming up, maybe this won’t be healed…

i don’t know…

i wish it were easy to handle oneself. to always play it cool. to be able to see above the cloud of emotions and think clearly and do the right thing. but that doesn’t always happen. i’ve been overwhelmed by torrential downpours of emotion that i can’t shake – like you can’t not get wet if you’re out in the rain…

i want to have more grace for myself: past, present, and future…is everyone as quick to judge me as me?

i feel like i’ve been spun around blindfolded
and i’m supposed to know the way
but i don’t.
i’m sorry but i have no idea.
nothing makes sense at all
not even you, jesus, my rock.
i don’t know where to find you
and i don’t know how to want to look

my heart
needs a jump start
and probably just a whole new battery

feeling more despondent than hopeful
more guilty than free
more worry than peace
and just not very (willing or) able

i need a savior
a gateway drug

come find me
with your kindness
you know where i am

i want to tell my blog that i recently had a miscarriage.
twas a weird whirlwind of a couple of weeks to find out we’ll be parents for the first time…to then…blood and pain and tears.

the morning it happened, my cat threw up twice.
sympathy pains? that’s sweet…
though not fun to clean up, especially then…

but i think i’m doing ok, and i hope this doesn’t happen again…

god’s will be done…

(meet you someday, baby)

i’m hiding from view
everyone online whom i compare myself to
it’s me, not you

i need to dial down again
look inside
of myself, for me and for jesus
in my little home
in my own marriage
in my own life
where god has me now
with the blessings i’ve been showered with
and feel the gratefulness
and what he’s saying to ME
not to everyone else
i get so confused by the “everyone else”
and where they’re at
that i forget that i’m still here
and god’s got things to say to me
and they might not be the same things
that other people’s lives are saying,
the things that i “hear” when i look not within, but without
which then piles on the guilt
because i’m not them and i can’t be
i’m me
and i’m gonna keep fighting these things
fighting to accept myself
and where i am
with my god
with my husband
in our little home

because i’ve been blessed so much.
i’ve never had this much love in my life.
the people i get to call family has multiplied.
that right there, is one of the best things ever

thank you god, for setting this Lonely in a family
my own family